I keep doors open too long. Longer than I ever understood. Longer than knowing whether the door was just opened or the door was just closed. I am horrible person this way. I didn't know.
It's as if it was always left open a crack. Or was it my foot jammed in between the floor and the bottom of the door. Don't come in. Don't come near. Don't you try anything.
I can care for you. Concerned. Nurture in an adult relationship way. I might even fall in love.
Don't come near me.
And that worked out fine. It worked out fine for you. No one before you could figure out how to get in there and care or get close enough to love. I wouldn't let them near me. I'm thinking
How did I let you near me. Now you're there and I am here and I don't know how to do this. Not at all. Not in the least.
I can justify it.
The relationship. I can rationalize it's craziness. It's comfort. It's momentary beauty. But. Because I spent such a long time studying what happened. Provincially. Pragmatically. I no longer have any idea. Anymore, maybe.
How do I do this.
There is no rational reason for those 3 words to appear before us. And yet they got here. Why did you push me. Yes. Maybe I felt it but like any other human being—you say it when you're ready.
Is it your plan to hurt me.
I have this odd way of trusting people for who they are at the moment they are with me. Face to face. I trust that. Or at least I did. Once upon a time ago.
I guess, whether I trust or not anymore is the most whacked out, really doesn't matter anymore, part. It's like the concept of muscle memory. Your body does the action whether the muscle is there or not—it seems in this case.
I am operating, functioning, caring and nurturing, all those things, without a heart.
Maybe that's what's happened.
My heart is going through the motions day-by-day, but it's not working out its muscle. It's muscle(s) are weak. Out of shape. Like any atrophied muscle that hasn't had the time or the opportunity to be utilized properly.
I'm pretty sure you know me. You may know me better than myself. B'Cause maybe you've been stalking me. Just a little bit.
I hate me right now. And we all no how long ago it's been since that happened.