Doorstop

I keep doors open too long. Longer than I ever understood. Longer than knowing whether the door was just opened or the door was just closed. I am horrible person this way. I didn't know. 

I guess.

It's as if it was always left open a crack. Or was it my foot jammed in between the floor and the bottom of the door. Don't come in. Don't come near. Don't you try anything. 

Yes. 

I can care for you. Concerned. Nurture in an adult relationship way. I might even fall in love. 

But you. 

Don't come near me.

And that worked out fine. It worked out fine for you. No one before you could figure out how to get in there and care or get close enough to love. I wouldn't let them near me. I'm thinking  

How did I let you near me. Now you're there and I am here and I don't know how to do this. Not at all. Not in the least.

I can justify it.

The relationship. I can rationalize it's craziness. It's comfort. It's momentary beauty. But. Because I spent such a long time studying what happened. Provincially. Pragmatically. I no longer have any idea. Anymore, maybe.   

How do I do this. 

There is no rational reason for those 3 words to appear before us. And yet they got here. Why did you push me. Yes. Maybe I felt it but like any other human being—you say it when you're ready. 

Is it your plan to hurt me. 

I have this odd way of trusting people for who they are at the moment they are with me. Face to face. I trust that. Or at least I did. Once upon a time ago. 

I guess, whether I trust or not anymore is the most whacked out, really doesn't matter anymore, part. It's like the concept of muscle memory. Your body does the action whether the muscle is there or not—it seems in this case. 

I am operating, functioning, caring and nurturing, all those things, without a heart. 

Maybe that's what's happened. 

My heart is going through the motions day-by-day, but it's not working out its muscle. It's muscle(s) are weak. Out of shape. Like any atrophied muscle that hasn't had the time or the opportunity to be utilized properly. 

 

I'm pretty sure you know me. You may know me better than myself. B'Cause maybe you've been stalking me. Just a little bit. 

 

I hate me right now. And we all no how long ago it's been since that happened. 

To leave a comment, please sign in with
or or

Comments (20)

  1. Munkyman

    https://youtu.be/VlMBs_HUcxQ

    August 04, 2016
    1. drivefaastakechances

      So believe it or not, Munky, I have never heard that song before. And I don’t know what to think of it.

      August 04, 2016
      1. Munkyman

        It was a very popular dance tune when I was a teen.

        August 04, 2016
        1. drivefaastakechances

          I knew a few of there dance songs, I was old enough to be in the club I played the shit out this today, getting to know it. Thank you

          August 05, 2016
          1. Munkyman

            August 05, 2016
  2. dreamshadow59

    Awwww, if ya ever wanna talk sis, you know where I am….

    August 04, 2016
    1. drivefaastakechances

      I appreciate that darlin

      August 05, 2016
  3. monicaspeaks

    :hugs: understanding ourselves and others can be complicated sometimes.

    August 05, 2016
    1. drivefaastakechances

      Thank you for that, Monica, that makes a lot of uncomplicated sense right now.

      August 07, 2016
  4. funfreak

    The first thing I thought of when I read this was that I wanted to wrap my arms around you and say, Darlin’, there isn’t a damn thing wrong with you. You’re perfect just the way you are. Now let’s go get you a dog!" It’s funny how the one thing that all human beings are supposed to want and need to thrive is love, yet it manages to also catch all our fears and doubts in a big net while dredging up all our self-doubt and criticism. We don’t want to make mistakes in love because we don’t want to get hurt or hurt someone else and it can be as hellish as it is wonderful, sohowcouldanyonereallylovemethewayIambecauseIamsoflawedandIcanbesoneedybutIwanttobeindependentandself-reliantyetatthesametimeIreallyneedtofeelthisfeelingandknowitwillbereturnedbutIcan’taffordtomakeanymoremistakeswiththis"lovething"andIdon’tneedanotherhumanbeingthatItrustandcareabouttofailmebecauseifithappensonemoretime,Iswear………………uuuuuuggghhhhh. Anyway, how ya doin’?

    August 07, 2016
    1. drivefaastakechances

      Oooooo that is . . . Compassionate and empathetic just when I needed it in the moment. I’m doing, dollface. We need to catch up

      August 08, 2016
  5. scarletts_letters

    I’m sorry, I really am, and I agree with Freaky, there is nothing wrong with you, you are lovely.

    August 08, 2016
    1. drivefaastakechances

      Thank you, sl, I appreciate your very kind words.

      May 10, 2017
      1. scarletts_letters

        You’re very welcome, and it’s nice to see you here, this place is lessened without you.

        May 11, 2017
  6. withwings

    Just what I was looking for

    August 10, 2016
    1. drivefaastakechances

      I’ve been lost for a wee bit, more like a lot a bit. I came back here to read, to remember I write. I forgot “I write”. I very much forgot. I wish yours was here for me to read—because you never not inspired me.

      May 10, 2017
      1. withwings

        everything is the same as far as reaching me. I apologize that I lack in the response area. I took your advice perhaps and decided that if I were to be good for anyone else I needed to care for myself first.

        May 11, 2017
        1. drivefaastakechances

          May 24, 2017
  7. ronaldjcoffin

    Here we can read everything related to door which sounds very interesting. But it can be informative for best dissertation writing services company as well in its own sense. This whole article is looking like a conversation but it seems a person is talking to himself.

    August 11, 2016
  8. adammolesworth

    Some paths of life are too tough for walk. But the thing, we get from college paper writing services cannot be achieved from anywhere else. These tough moments work as the great path of our success. And with them we can learn many new things of life.

    August 13, 2016